One of the nice things about my job is the vast quantity of news stories which roll into our databases on a daily basis.  This morning I came across this one:
========== Start idiocy from people who should know better ==========

UCI Announces New Regulations For 2001

from: The Soup Hales Iconoclast, April 1st 1999
by:   Julian Birdboot, Sports Correspondent

At a press conference in Lausanne, Switzerland, this morning, UCI spokesperson Edward Ludd announced changes to the regulations governing international cycle racing from the start of the 2001 season.  In summary:

o Frames

The bicycle frame shall be constructed from round steel tubing
only, with a maximum diameter of 3 cm.  All current regulations
governing the layout and dimensions of the frame shall continue
to be enforced.
o Wheels
Only spoked wheels shall be permitted.  Spokes, rims and hubs
shall be made of steel.  If pneumatic tyres are used, they shall
be of tubular construction.
o Transmission
Multiple gearing systems will no longer be permitted.  Freewheels
will no longer be permitted.  Riders may use "double-fixed" hubs.
"Clipless" pedal systems will no longer be permitted.  All
components shall be made of steel.
o Brakes
Only steel sidepull brakes will be permitted.  Brake blocks may be
natural rubber or leather only.  Brake blocks will be subject to
random testing after all UCI-sanctioned events.
o Other Bicycle Components At the conference Ludd said:

"Cycle racing has always been an athletic contest, not a competition between engineers.  These new regulations will ensure that this continues to be the case."

When asked what the impact of the new rules would be on non-racing cyclists, who form the vast majority of the world's bicycle users, Ludd responded:

"The notion that components developed for cycle sport can in some way benefit non-competitive cyclists is one which the UCI believes to have little validity.  I certainly do not have racing-style components on my bicycle, and would be most surprised if anyone else did so."

Respected Dutch commentator Hertz van Rental pointed out that this might not be unconnected with the fact that Ludd's bicycle was built in 1921, was inherited from his grandmother, and has not been ridden since 1973 when the saddle fell off and was run over by a vintage Bentley.  Ludd retorted that this was a slanderous allegation which suggested that the UCI was out of touch with the needs of cyclists as a whole, and that he would seek legal redress were to be repeated in print.

American writer B. Rantby asked whether the impact of this decision on the burgeoning business in recumbent cycles had been considered.  Ludd told Mr. Rantby that recumbents had no future, either in or outside cycle sport, and that anyone who had anything to do with them was:

  1. certainly wasting his time, and
  2. possibly not right in the head.
Mr. Rantby invited Ludd to step outside and say that, but was escorted from the building by uniformed security guards.

In a separate statement, Dr. Yori Tomo, the head of Research & Development at Shimano, condemned the new rules, saying: "This decision by the UCI will lead to widespread unemployment within the cycle industry, and moreover will play havoc with Shimano's policy of introducing new and incompatible components every year."  He then committed seppuku.  Both SRAM and Campagnolo have so far declined to comment.

Edward Ludd is 37.  His regular transport is a BMW 540.

(c) Stretchford Media Group plc, 1999

========== End sad but inevitable reactionary wibble ==========

I also heard a rumour that they're going to quote speeds in units of furlongs per fortnight.

1 km/h = 1671 fpf
1 mph  = 2688 fpf
That'll make the numbers look much more impressive :-)

Dave "Scoop" Larrington
Newshound Extraordinaire

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